Here is the scenario. A man and a woman meet. They become good friends. They may even be what many would consider best friends. They pour out their hearts to each other. Something happens to one of them and she runs to him. In the heat of the listening, the trying to help a friend make sense of what is going on, the friendship enters a new territory. She wants to move into a relationship with him but one with no strings. She wants to move into a relationship that is friendship with benefits.
The with benefits portion of their relationship goes well. He feels himself getting “too involved” but doesn’t stop the relationship or the sex. She thinks things are great – sex without the love is empowering to her. It builds her self-esteem. It builds her physical stamina – not just from the sex but from exercise to help make the sex better.
Then, they part ways. She knows he is getting too close. She backs away, pulls back. She doesn’t want to get really involved. She wants things to go back to the way they were before the sex. Can they do that? Can he put up with seeing her with others? Can she still talk to him about everything in her life or is it all too complicated?
More than all those questions, what has she learned? What has he learned? Do we have to learn from every relationship we are in? I think so. I think that there are parts of my marriage that taught me wonderful lessons. I think that the time I have invested in relationships as an adult have yielded lessons on everything from how to interact with others to how to flirt to how to live with other adults (definitely different than living with children).
What would I have thought about the above scenario? I probably would have worried that both partners were unsure of themselves. Both partners had low self-esteem to start. While one partner may have seen an increase in that self-esteem, I do not think it was a permanent happening.
The honesty in the above scenario is what is important. We all need to set out with the parameters we are willing to see in a relationship firmly in mind. If the partner we are with is not willing to abide with what we see as the “guidelines,” most likely this partner is not for us. Do I speak from experience? Most assuredly. Is this recent experience? I wish.
Nicki's Nook 
I wonder if someone I know is reading this….
Have to say, Gary, I tend to not think about who may or may not be reading what I write. 🙂
Great questions in this post.
As for learning from every relationship, I’m not sure we do. I think we have the potential to, but only if we care to take the time and think about what worked and what didn’t. Frankly, much of the time, we’re so busy we don’t reflect. Or the relationship was casual and short term and that was exactly the intention.
I think we like to feel as though we learn from relationships, especially when there’s been a glitch. It’s one of the ways we (women especially) justify even a bad relationship. “Well I learned something from it…”
As for FWB – it only works if both parties feel the same way. As soon as one party starts to feel differently, then it’s bound to hit a difficult patch. (And it certainly isn’t always the woman who wants it to be more emotionally fulfilling, in my experience.)
So many good questions! So much to ponder.
What she should do? Hard to say. I guess she’ll have to feel her way through, and listen to her instincts/gut.
An interesting hypothetical full of good and important questions. Love the ending of your post 🙂