I have been reading a lot of blogs lately where the entries are based around what the writer wants from life. Most of these have to do with relationships and they have all got me thinking. What do I want from life?
This is not a new question to me. My life has changed and continues to do so but am I that fairy tale loving person who wants a happy ending? Or, does my happy ending look different than the fairy tale?
My story is definitely different from the fairy tale. There are few happy endings in it. You can read some musings on the fairy tale at The Wild Thing’s blog. My marriage ended after 12 1/2 years and six children. The “baby” was two at the time. Raising six kids aged two to 12 on my own took a different kind of concentration.
Did I totally drop “my life” for my kids? Yes and no, I had a few relationships right after the marriage ended that were good. One or two had true potential but they did not last. Did their ending hurt? You know it. Did it make me decide that relationships were not worth the pain? Definitely not.
One of the biggest issues with the two true potential relationships I had those ten to twelve years ago was whether I was willing to let him know what I was feeling. I love you is hard to say when your heart is mending. I am not sure if that mending ever finishes once there is a break. The one man knew how I felt but I knew that our relationship was not what was in his best interest at that time in his life. I let him go, painful as it may have been. After all, what more does love mean than keeping the other person’s best interests in sight?
The other man didn’t know how I felt. He knew we were dating. He knew we had fun together. He did not know I had fallen in love with him. Would things have turned out differently had I told him? I so don’t know. I don’t know if that would have pushed him away or if those three words would have drawn him closer. We keep in touch. He is now remarried and loves the woman who is in his life. In the long run, I do not see how I would have fit in that life but who knows? I did not say what I could have easily said. I am here and he is there.
So the question remains, do you know what you want? Do I know what I want? The only thing I am 100% positive about is that I know I do not want marriage again. I may want the relationship, the daily conversation, the holding at night, the looking out for each other, the love but not the institution.
Do you have what you want in life? Do you know what that is? Can you put it in words?