Just my Thoughts

Thoughts from a Time Past

In looking for a password to a work account, I came across a writing I had done in the past.  It speaks to connectedness.  It speaks to need.  It speaks to me so I thought I would share it with you.

I remember now why I try hard to live my life not needing others.  with need comes an opening up of your heart to the chance someone else will et you down.  Being needed… Carrying a burden of trying not to let someone else down…

I know you said you would never hurt me.  Or at least that you didn’t want to hurt me.  I got offline that night because I hurt.  I felt blindsided.  You sat talking with me just two days ago, telling me I needed you.  Now you say you are leaving everyone behind.

While I understand standing on your own, I have come to believe, thanks in part to you, that even if we stand on our our own we need people to support us.

It is almost ironic, if it didn’t hurt so much, that it seems we have traded places.

I look like I am strong and together.  Yet, I am sitting in bed crying.  I am the one wondering what your decisions mean for me.  I know I am not a player in your decisions.  I shouldn’t be.  That is not our relationship and probably never will be.  You know I want you to be happy.  If this is the way to your happiness, that is wonderful.  I will also be there for you – not to stand you up but to clap for you as you stand yourself up.

10 thoughts on “Thoughts from a Time Past

  1. Thank you for sharing this bit of writing, this bit of yourself, that is at once so personal and so universal. We all look like we are strong and that we have it together because this is how we are supposed to look. But under the surface, that exquisitely polished facade, things are more complicated.

    I love that you stumbled upon a relic of yourself while looking for a password. Isn’t this piece of writing in its own way a password to something, to you, to things you once felt?

    1. Things under the surface are always complicated. You are so right about that, Aidan.

      And yes, I think that there is something to the fact I found this while searching for a password. Thank you for that insight.

  2. Isn’t it fascinating how we shape images of people we’ve never met, but have gotten to know online? In my mind, you are an incredibly upbeat, strong woman – and so I really, really value these posts that remind me that no one is as simple as the sketches I’ve drawn in my haste. I appreciate your being open to sharing your vulnerabilities just as you do your humor, your love for your family, your art, and your musings on life.

    1. Kristen – Thank you for your beautiful words. We are all seldom just what people see of us, both because we project a certain image and people see us through the lenses of their own lives.

  3. The profundity in this forgotten writing strikes me. Strong. Poised. Ready to fight the battles. Images that remind me of you. This short snippet has added more into that image bank. Real. Emotional. Relationship driven. You, my friend, keep adding additional pieces to the puzzle I have made of you.

  4. Nicki, This just proves to me that women are amazing and can see things in a multiple of hues. You were hurt, yet supportive; saying goodbye yet not wanting to. Letting go and knowing you’d survive. It takes some amount of wisdom to get to that place.

    Thanks for sharing it.

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