I started this entry last night and then deleted it. Yes, a portion of it was saved but only a line or so. Why did I delete it? I was self-censoring. I know some of the people who read my blog and I was not totally sure that I wanted some reading this.
Then, came the realization that I am a writer and I really need to write, without worrying about who is reading the writing.
I have been single for over 12 years. I have raised six children mostly single-handed. They, all six of them, seem to be well-adjusted. I have dated and that is definitely a past tense word. Until starting to go out with a friend lately, most of my post-marriage dating has been in the past. When I went out, I would go with friends and still do.
So, imagine my surprise when my good friend said to me, over the weekend, that I need him in my life. I stopped in my tracks. I wanted to immediately say I don’t need you. Yet, I just looked at him. I couldn’t respond.
If I said he was right, I was letting him in further. If I said he was right, I was admitting that I couldn’t do everything in my life for myself. If I said he was right, I was vulnerable. Wait! Why was this so difficult? What was wrong with any of those scenarios?
Do I need him in my life? Do I want him in my life? One is so easy to admit. The other pulls me to run and hide. Why? Well, some of why might be found in my blog entry “Do You Always ‘Fess Up?” as I discussed some of my past relationships. I am not sure I want to be vulnerable. Yet, I know that vulnerability is an important part of who we are as people.
The word need still hangs in the air this morning. I know that if I were to say I want this friend in my life I am being 110% honest. Do I need this friend in my life? I think he may be right in saying I do need him. The question now is can I verbalize that need.