I started this entry last night and then deleted it. Yes, a portion of it was saved but only a line or so. Why did I delete it? I was self-censoring. I know some of the people who read my blog and I was not totally sure that I wanted some reading this.
Then, came the realization that I am a writer and I really need to write, without worrying about who is reading the writing.
I have been single for over 12 years. I have raised six children mostly single-handed. They, all six of them, seem to be well-adjusted. I have dated and that is definitely a past tense word. Until starting to go out with a friend lately, most of my post-marriage dating has been in the past. When I went out, I would go with friends and still do.
So, imagine my surprise when my good friend said to me, over the weekend, that I need him in my life. I stopped in my tracks. I wanted to immediately say I don’t need you. Yet, I just looked at him. I couldn’t respond.
If I said he was right, I was letting him in further. If I said he was right, I was admitting that I couldn’t do everything in my life for myself. If I said he was right, I was vulnerable. Wait! Why was this so difficult? What was wrong with any of those scenarios?
Do I need him in my life? Do I want him in my life? One is so easy to admit. The other pulls me to run and hide. Why? Well, some of why might be found in my blog entry “Do You Always ‘Fess Up?” as I discussed some of my past relationships. I am not sure I want to be vulnerable. Yet, I know that vulnerability is an important part of who we are as people.
The word need still hangs in the air this morning. I know that if I were to say I want this friend in my life I am being 110% honest. Do I need this friend in my life? I think he may be right in saying I do need him. The question now is can I verbalize that need.
7 thoughts on “Want versus Need”
Well said Nicki. I am a firm believer that people need people in their lives – you know that. I really have no problem telling friends that I need them because I KNOW that connections are the most important thing in life. Does it open someone up to vunlerability (exernal consequenses that can be taken advantage of?) or, does it conflict with ego (internal admittance that you are less independent than you want to admit?) I would say yes to both – you have to weigh the consequenses from both perspectives. I would also say that it is healthy to need people in your life and to admit it to both you and your friends and family.
There are levels of need as well–I suspect you wouldn’t fall apart if the relationship ceased to exist, so in that sense you don’t need the person in order to survive. But on the other hand, if you are looking for a fulfilling, rewarding relationship to add all the things this person offers, then need is an appropriate description and probably much easier to admit.
PS–Thanks for the info on Interlaken. I’m registered and am going by myself on Saturday. I’m a little nervous–it’s my first race alone!
Jen – Look for Steve. He will be there but may be a bit fast for you. My guess, not sure but he may check back here, is that he will run the 5K in about 22 minutes on a good day. If I have learned nothing else, it is that runners are never alone. Wish I could go but parenting calls.
Are you unable to make Seneca Falls due to wrestling?
Whoa, Nicki. I’ll say this, you are a mighty strong person to do all this on your own. Wow.
@Steve – People do need people. And you are right. It is a combination of both that lead me to have trouble saying those words. Remember what Colleen told me – baby steps!
@Gary – strength is sometimes an issue. LOL