I had just stopped by Motherese to read some of Kristen’s thoughts stemming from the first book club over there. Kristen was talking/writing about the difference between toughness and resilience. What to my surprise pops into my inbox but an email with the subject “How Well do You Roll with the Punches?” Coincidence? Fate? Just dumb luck?
In the email was the following quote:
Whatever is flexible and flowing will tend to grow; whatever is rigid and blocked will wither and die.
– Tao Te Ching, Lao Tsu’s teachings
I went back to thinking about what Kristen had written and the quote and the remainder of the email. Kristen had written about being tough but not necessarily resilient and how do you teach your children to be resilient. The email got me thinking about whether I was resilient. Do I roll with the punches?
Change is to be expected. There are very few things that are static. Even nature is a dynamic, changing force. Look at the mountains or the valleys. Look at weather as a front comes through an area. Constant change. But the question is do we bend like a tree branch that is supple or snap like a brittle one.
To grow, we must learn to roll with the changes. Change will always be in the world, in our lives. If we do not bend, we will break. Broken is not a good state for humans. Humans who do not change do not learn and stagnation sets in. Being stagnant is not a state that humans like. Constant learning and bending when necessary, or simply changing paths, will help life more smoothly.
Do you consider yourself able to roll with the punches? Are you resilient? What about your partner, your children?
Nicki's Nook 
Hi Nicki – Thanks for continuing the conversation about resilience. It probably won’t surprise you that I lack the flexible, flowing quality that Lao Tsu speaks of. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if resilience is a skill that we acquire through experience rather than study – and that, as life continues to throw me curve balls, I will eventually learn to bend rather than break. I generally prefer being able to acquire knowledge through studying and planning, so it makes me nervous to think that the proverbial School of Hard Knocks is the only place to learn these particular lessons.
I had never thought of resilience that way, Kristen, but it makes perfect sense. Those that I know who are most resilient tend to be those who have had more thrown at them in life.
I am generally pretty good at rolling with the punches. Crazy family of origin and nursing career, I guess. There’s just so much good stuff out there when we remain open. Hard to be open when we’re rigid.
Good thoughts. Thanks!
Very true, Maureen! Being rigid means we miss things, things that could be fantastic.
I think I agree with what Kristen says… that resilience comes through experience. I think by nature, humans do not like change. We are creatures of habit. But then life throws one a curveball and change is forced upon one’s life. Resilience comes through dealing with these changes in a positive way.
A great post, thank you.
Thanks, Tracy. You are right that we are creatures of habit and do not like change. We need to embrace change, though, to make live more living, less watching.
Yes, I agree with Kristen too. Seems like resilience is something you can only learn by doing. It’s important to talk about it here, to study it and reflect on it – but in the end, the only way to really know how to roll with the punches is to get in the fight. And that’s not easy!
I really needed with right now, because I’m dealing with some stress these past few days. Nothing major, just inconveniences like schedules getting changed, last-minute plans, etc. And this stuff drives me crazy, but I just need to go with the flow. I’m usually not very resilient – I love routine and am not very flexible with taking changes in stride. But today I’ll try a little harder.
Hope the next few days are easier for you, Eva.
Change, conflict, challenge, to me represent growth. Each requires a little yielding, a little surrender, a little humility that, overall, all a tiny bit to our resilience.
When I’m going through challenging times, I like to live by the rule that what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. It sounds a little dramatic but it reminds me that I’m a survivor (also dramatic) and that I should congratulate myself (and I do!) for getting through whatever challenge I just went through.
Great thoughts on resilience, Belinda. I agree!
(Still dealing in slightly encumbered techno land here, so, sorry for fewer visits over coffee… )
I also enjoyed Kristen’s musings on toughness and resilience, and she made some intriguing distinctions.
Might stubborn endurance be considered “toughness?”
Then I am tough.
Is thick skin part of toughness?
Then I am not.
Is resilience the ability to roll with the punches?
Then I’m not sure. Some punches don’t make for much rolling. Only be beaten down, especially if over and over again.
Is resilience stubborn insistence on getting back up, if there’s anything left in you at all?
Then I’m resilient.
I get back up.
But I also think of resilience as akin to some element of chameleon-like behavior. Some of us are more able to change – to choose change ourselves, or accept change, when it is forced upon us. But not all change. Selective change.
So perhaps I am selectively tough, and selectively resilient.
Selectively resilient. I like that thought.
I love this topic, Nicki. I do think getting older has a lot to do with it, and I think I’ve gotten pretty resilient as the years have gone by. I once saw a martial arts instructor illustrate the notion of resilience by showing what happens when you move toward a challenge (a resilient flow) rather than try to master it (a tough fight). So I think there’s something big there about acceptance. I also work with a lot of clients who are developing their resilience, often through the act of reaching out to others. I firmly believe that being in community with others increases resilience, even though it may seem counter intuitive.
I had not necessarily, or maybe it is more not cognitively, thought about community increasing resilience. I will have to do some research on that but I can see where having a support system in place, a community with you, would make it easier to be resilient.
What a thought-provoking post. My dad is the typical rigid-like-steel German. Sometimes I catch myself thinking/behaving like him and I’m stunned.
This is something I’m going to start talking about with my kids–how to bend without breaking. Thanks for this, Nicki.
We all mirror, many times during extreme stress, the behaviors of those who raised us. I swore I was never going to be like my parents but I see so much of them in me at times.
Hi Nicky,
I’ve caught many of your comments on Aidan’s blog, and finally had some time to check out your blogspot. It’s as interesting as I anticipated (to use a form of the title of one your posts!), and I look forward to checking out more of the site. This post, inparticular, really struck me today, and is giving me a good perspective on a recent dilemna that I’m currently facing. I want to continue to be a person that bends without breaking and stands up tall when adversity comes a knockin’. But my problem is big (read huge) and my patience is thin (read nil) and I’m tired (read exhausted). But I think resilience is the key to tranquility, and you’re post has inspired me to not give up, and try to forgive. Thank you very much! btw, happy belated mother’s day! ~ tara
Just adding another line so I can request the site updates. 🙂