What do you do when a friend is hurting
But won’t let you console her?
What do you do when a friend is down
But won’t let you help him smile?
What do you do when a friend is hungry
But won’t let you feed him?
What do you do when a friend is thirsty
But won’t let you give her a drink of water?
What do you do when a friend is crying
But won’t let you wipe away the tears?
What do you do when a friend needs a hug
But won’t let you hold him close?
What do you do?
I use to wonder about the use of the word UGH but now it fits. Labels!!!!! UGH!!!
I have spent a little time this week reading about labels. Belinda, over at The Halfway Point, wrote about labels this week. Jane, at They Call Me Jane’s Blog, also wrote about labels this week. Both got me thinking, as I have for some time, how labels affect us. I also had drinks with a dear friend this week who threw some thoughts into my mind about labels, too.
Belinda talks about growing into labels as in the first time an adult called her and classmates women. She also talks about some labels that do not bother me such as “human,” the one label that connects us all.
Jane talks about labels overshadowing accomplishments. She sets this post in the historic winning of the Best Director Oscar by Kathryn Bigelow. I have to admit I was long asleep by the time this Oscar was given out, even if I did catch a little of the show. And, I am with Jane when she says, can we get over the fact that Bigelow has a vagina and focus on her accomplishment? Shouldn’t the accomplishment be the focus of post-award shoe interviews, not her being female?
My own experience with labels frustrates me to no end. I have been labeled because I am no longer married. I have been labeled because I attend public meetings and speak my peace. I have been labeled by those not in my relationships as to what those relationships are. All of these labels have, whether I accepted them or not, influenced the growth of me as a person or the relationship as a living thing.
Labels put constraints on people, on relationships, on life. If you are labeled, just as an example, as ADD while a child, you carry this label and the expected behaviours with you all your life. Sometimes, the label is just that but other times, people will figure why bother to get the behaviours in check when that is what is expected.
When you are in a relationship, others always want to know what that relationship is. Seldom will anyone live with the answer “we’re friends” for long when a relationship is between a male and a female. Other people expect a different type of relationship between the sexes, especially adults. And, at times, it is these expectations that push and change and ultimately mold a relationship. These expectations put pressure on those in the relationship, whether they admit it or not. The pressure then, also, molds where the relationship goes. It is impossible to stay out of this type of a trap unless the relationship is totally hidden.
So what do you think of labels? Have you had good or bad experiences with them? Have you ever had someone label you something you are not or do not want to be?
In looking for a password to a work account, I came across a writing I had done in the past. It speaks to connectedness. It speaks to need. It speaks to me so I thought I would share it with you.
I remember now why I try hard to live my life not needing others. with need comes an opening up of your heart to the chance someone else will et you down. Being needed… Carrying a burden of trying not to let someone else down…
I know you said you would never hurt me. Or at least that you didn’t want to hurt me. I got offline that night because I hurt. I felt blindsided. You sat talking with me just two days ago, telling me I needed you. Now you say you are leaving everyone behind.
While I understand standing on your own, I have come to believe, thanks in part to you, that even if we stand on our our own we need people to support us.
It is almost ironic, if it didn’t hurt so much, that it seems we have traded places.
I look like I am strong and together. Yet, I am sitting in bed crying. I am the one wondering what your decisions mean for me. I know I am not a player in your decisions. I shouldn’t be. That is not our relationship and probably never will be. You know I want you to be happy. If this is the way to your happiness, that is wonderful. I will also be there for you – not to stand you up but to clap for you as you stand yourself up.
Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.
- Emily Kimbrough
I am continually amazed at the resilience of the human body but, more importantly at the resilience of the human soul. We are living in a time were people are suffering – whether from disease, overwork, lack of work, family strife. The list is endless. And, the problem – on top of the suffering – is the isolation such suffering causes.
We need to look around at those who live in our areas. We need to help up those we can. We need to hold the hands of others so the stumbling is not as evident. Trust me! But for the grace of God go any of us.
We all need such encouragement and often we forget that it’s okay not to be the pillar of strength when life has us by the tail.
I have been the person who has needed the hand of a friend. I needed a good friend when my marriage ended, one that knew what services were available for me to help get me back on my feet. I needed a friend who could help me find child care and a new place to live. I had that friend back then. She and I are still friends to this day. If she had not given me a hand, pointed me in the right direction, who knows what my life – and the lives of my children – would be like now?
When you can, look to those people you see weekly in the grocery store. Instead of yelling or muttering under your breath when you do not get the shortest line, wonder what in their lives might be a struggle for them at this time. Smile at them. Say hello. Spread some cheer in someone’s life.
Friends are precious, not just in the sunshine of life, but especially in the shade.
Go spread some cheer today! Send that letter! Smile at that person!
The letter below is inspired by the women at Momalom.com. They come up with some of the best ideas for blog posts. This blog challenge is to write a love letter to a person, to a thing, to the world and share it on your own blog or on their blog if you need to. You can read the details of the challenge by clicking the graphic to the left.
Dear Friend,
You should know that I am so happy you are in my life. You are a steadying influence on me. When I think I am going to attack a problem, you calm me down, make me see sense, make me think through what I am going to do.
You need to realize I am not as strong as you think. I have learned how to make the world think I am strong. As a single mom, there is no choice. I needed that armor for everyone else to see to get through the life I have lived these last 13 years.
You need to know I love you. I love you because of who you are, because of what you have been through, because of what you have made of yourself, because of what you have inspired me to become.
You need to know that you are a stronger person than you think you are. I see the strength in you. I see the intelligence behind your eyes. I see the creativity in your soul. I see the you you want others to see.
You must know you are a good, decent person with a creative, giving soul.
You must know I love you!
Love,
Me
I just finished reading a great piece on apologies in the New York Times. The writer truly made me stop and think.
I need to apologize to a friend. I know I do but am not sure if the friend is willing to listen or not. I did something that caused a huge rift between the two of us and I do not like the space that I have received from this rift. I am not sure if the friend does or not but I need to find out as I don’t like myself because of the problem.
I will say that the author talks about the good essentials of an apology:
an acknowledgment of the fault or offense, regret for it and responsibility for it — and, if possible, a way to fix the problem, said Holly Weeks, a communications consultant and author of “Failure to Communicate: How Conversations Go Wrong and What You Can Do to Right Them” (Harvard Business Press, 2008).
While I have acknowledge the offense, I am not sure if the person who was offended thinks I take responsibility for it or if that person thinks I have regret for it. I have deep regrets for the entire offense – both the part that I did and the results of that action. I own my actions so am totally responsible for this and the pain I feel.
I want to ask this friend for forgiveness. I don’t want the friend to totally forget but to know that I am working on being a better person. I am working on fixing what caused me to commit the offense to start with.
I am not perfect nor strong. I need to be reminded occasionally of my imperfections.
Have you ever had to apologize when you didn’t think the other party wanted to hear it? Have you ever had to apologize and not known if it would be accepted? Do you think apologizing is the same as asking for forgiveness?
The Memories
The memories are there
In the back of my mind
Making me gasp
At a very strange time
The memories are there
As I climb in and out of bed
Of those final looks
Of those final words said
The memories are there
As I run on these roads
Of the support I once got
Of the support I once gave
The memories are there
Possibilities and plans
Of the future unspoken
Of a friendship that spans
The memories are there
Running ’round in my heart
Keeping me hopeful
For a fresh start
Just an aside, this poem has four stanzas but I am having formatting issues with WordPress.
The last year of this decade was a huge one for me personally. I did not sit down at the end of December 2008, as I normally would, and review the past year and set expectations for the year to come. I let 2009 roll in and through on its own. Parts of that were very good. Parts of that were not so very good.
I lost my art drive. I have seen a lot of art but have not created much in 2009. I took what I thought would be a brief hiatus as I was leaving town to go to my daughter’s college graduation. When I came back, my life was in full swing here with other things going on. I kept saying I would get back to my art but never did.
I lost my father this year. He had health issues. They had come to light more in the last few months of 2008 and then again in the beginning of 2009. He did not like or want to face these issues. I know, through my faith, that he is in a better place now and that his life, had he lived, would not have been what he wanted. This provides some solace.
I made many new friends this year. These people may be people around the corner or in town or across the Atlantic Ocean. Some of these people are ones that I turn to in distress and in happiness. Some of these people are artists. Some of these people are like family to me. If you are someone I did not know in 2008 but do now, please know that I am happy we met.
I rediscovered my life in 2009. As is often the case with single parents, my life had been my kids’ for many years. I went out, had friends and did some things that were mine but most things were just for my children. I found, and how I didn’t realize this sooner, that my children are happier if I am happier. I found my life in 2009. I did things for me.
I rediscovered how much I love to write in 2009. I have written a huge portion of a novel that I will finish up by the end of February. I have also taken to writing here more frequently. I have additional poetry that I have written in 2009. The last poetry I had written before this year was at least six or seven years ago. The best of my poetry before 2009 had been written in 1999. Is it a decade cycle? Let’s hope not.
Had I been asked near the end of December 2009 how I would rank the year, I would have definitely said the good outweighed the bad. As a matter of fact, I did say so in comments on Little Big Wolf’s “Scoring the Decade: Your 10 Years in Review…” Then, I turned my year topsy turvy without thinking.
Was 2009 a good year? I still have to say yes. The good times, the good friends, the good things that happened by far outweigh the bad. Unfortunately, the stupidity of me and the bad that happened was close to the end of the year and that is weighing heavy now.
Snow Globe
The friendship is gone
The friendship is like a snow globe
Hopefully, the globe only has cracks
Hopefully, the cracks can be fixed
Hopefully, the globe isn’t shattered
The snow, the people the liquid all over
Scattered and unable to come back
Together
Yes, this paragraph has been written before. Unfortunately, I have found my writing this morning but ADD and disjointed as I started one entry to discuss the college sicky and I ventured into paragraph three here so….
This story all starts Sunday evening. I had a friend over and we had decided that we were both old and needed to go out! We headed to a local hangout – one that, ironically, the 19 year old loves – to try the Dogfish 60 minute IPA on tap. Both of us are beer fans and this has been on our list for a while. I also wanted to share this place from my past with my friend.
There was a fund raiser going on but we got our pints and sat down to listen to trivia. I love trivia but did not think that my friend did but we had a blast! Three pints and one quesadilla later and we were heading to play pool elsewhere.
My friend and I have played pool before but always at a bar … and, always on six foot tables (did I really realize the difference? nope!). I took him down to one of the pool halls that my 19 year old frequents when healthy and home from college. The owner knows my kids but had no idea who I was until I told him. Is that odd? Yup but I am okay with it.
What did we find? We found the Sunday night league had just ended and there was a room full of nine foot tables.
Yes, we played pool. We played three games. I played as I always do – like crap – but due to someone sinking the 8 ball at the wrong time, I won one of the three games.
It was fun night – basically just good food and drink and good company! Thanks!!!
