Monthly Archives: January 2010

31 January 2010

Apologies

By Nicki

I just finished reading a great piece on apologies in the New York Times.  The writer truly made me stop and think.

I need to apologize to a friend.  I know I do but am not sure if the friend is willing to listen or not.  I did something that caused a huge rift between the two of us and I do not like the space that I have received from this rift.  I am not sure if the friend does or not but I need to find out as I don’t like myself because of the problem.

I will say that the author talks about the good essentials of an apology:

an acknowledgment of the fault or offense, regret for it and responsibility for it — and, if possible, a way to fix the problem, said Holly Weeks, a communications consultant and author of “Failure to Communicate: How Conversations Go Wrong and What You Can Do to Right Them” (Harvard Business Press, 2008).

While I have acknowledge the offense, I am not sure if the person who was offended thinks I take responsibility for it or if that person thinks I have regret for it.  I have deep regrets for the entire offense – both the part that I did and the results of that action.  I own my actions so am totally responsible for this and the pain I feel.

I want to ask this friend for forgiveness.  I don’t want the friend to totally forget but to know that I am working on being a better person.  I am working on fixing what caused me to commit the offense to start with.

I am not perfect nor strong.  I need to be reminded occasionally of my imperfections.

Have you ever had to apologize when you didn’t think the other party wanted to hear it?  Have you ever had to apologize and not known if it would be accepted?  Do you think apologizing is the same as asking for forgiveness?

18 comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in Just my Thoughts

30 January 2010

Your Senses – Smell

By Nicki

I have been doing some creative, or possibly not so creative writing involving memories and senses.  Your senses trigger so many things but one of the most important things they tend to trigger is memories.  I am going to, over the course of several days, post different memories triggered by one of our five senses.  These are creative writing pieces but most are based in fact.  Not sure what that makes them – personal essays?  Here is the first.

I folded up the towel he use to use when he was here today, knowing that he would never use it again.  My mind went back to the first time he used the towel, the smell of his hygiene products in my small bathroom, the sight of him getting dressed in my bedroom.  These are things that will live in my memory for a long time.  They will not be in my life again.

The memory of that scent, his scent drew me to another item in my home.  It was a shirt he had given me.  I was his support person for a large event in his life in October.  Two weeks later he had another event and I did not see this accomplishment.  We both have very busy lives.  The time we spent together was whittled out of those busy lives.  As he once paraphrased someone else, if we want to be with people, we MAKE the time.  Anyway, he gave me the shirt from that second event as he thought it was ugly.  Not only did I love the colors, I have memories of putting it on the first time.  I threw it on as a night shirt.  I immediately, the next day, asked what laundry detergent he used as the smell was wonderful.  It was not laundry detergent.  There is atradition to wear the shirt the day/night of the event.  He had showered and worn the shirt that half day and then given it to me.  The scent was him.

The scent of him.  Smell.  A sense we use only infrequently and when we talk, when we write, the sense of smell tends to be associated with food or with stenches.  In my mind, the sense of smell is associated with people.  It may be a stink, that smell after you finish exercising and really need a shower.  It may be a cleanness, that smell after you have showered and done nothing else – no body lotion, no hair products, just soap/gel.  It may be a scent, that smell of his cologne, that smell of his body lotion.

The sense of smell tends to be strong.  I have read a fact that people can recall a smell with 65% accuracy after a year where as visual recognition of a photo is only 50% after three months (http://www.senseofsmell.org).  Now I know why the memory of that scent has drawn me to write this morning.

What smells do you have in your memory bank?  Do they remind you of good times or not so good times?  Are they smells associated with people, events, holidays, food?

6 comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in Just my Thoughts

29 January 2010

“The Pajama Game” – Blue Cast

By Nicki

My son’s high school drama club opened with a Thursday matinee of “The Pajama Game.”  I will apologize in advance as I used my point and shoot for these and it is old.  On top of that, I was in row M.

4 comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in Family, Just my Thoughts

28 January 2010

State of the Union

By Nicki

Last night I pulled parental rank.  I wanted to watch and listen and take notes on the State of the Union.  I asked that one of the two adult children living here at home pick up #6 from dress rehearsal.  He was to be done between 9:15 and 9:30 so prime speech time.

There was quite a bit of discussion between #1 and #3 but #3 stepped up as #1 fell asleep on the couch.  Thanks, Lei!!!

To start with, I panicked when CNN was saying the speech would run between 70 and 75 minutes with applause.  That is way past my bedtime.  If I want to watch something on television at 10 pm, I generally DVR it as I will never stay awake for the whole show.  Next, as I watch President Obama enter the joint session, I had the strangest thought.  I wanted to know where he had stuffed his hand sanitizer.  It cannot possibly be sanitary, especially in the middle of flu and cold season, to shake all those hands and not wash your hands or sanitize immediately.

The beginning and the end of the speech were pure Obama – lofty words from a great orator.  The president started the speech with history on the State of the Union speech itself.  This bit ended with  him saying, and I am paraphrasing, we are “again tested and must answer history’s call.”

President Obama also noted that the worst of the economic storm has passed but the devastation remains.  He punctuated this point with stories of people across the United States.

Probably the most annoying part of watching the speech was having Vice President Joe Biden in the camera’s view the entire time.  He was not quite as quick to jump up in applause as Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi but seemed to sit and nod in agreement continually.

President Obama noted that we all hated the bank bailout, himself included.  Most of the money has been recovered.  To recover the remaining, he is proposing a fee on the biggest banks.  Hopefully, along with the Huffington Post Move Your Money grassroots effort, this does not cause these large institutions more misery.  Actually, I think a bit of misery in the large banking institutions – not misery like closings but more a thought-provoking misery – would be a good thing.

President Obama declared jobs the number one focus in 2010.  The true engine for job creation is America’s businesses.  Obama also introduced some new small business tax credits – for creating new jobs, for raising wages.  The House has passed a bill already and Obama urged the Senate to do the same.

The speech itself would lend to a very long post.  I am going to do, over the next few days, several on different areas of the speech.  I will close with some of my overview thoughts.

There was a lot of eight year bashing in this speech.  President Obama did not mention former President George W Bush but mentioned those previous eight years.  This truly put looks of consternation on the faces of GOP faithful in the chamber.  I, the registered Democrat who tends to vote Independent, was annoyed by it as I figure we all know what has happened in the past administration.  I really don’t need it pointed out to me.  I want to know what is going to be done to fix the issues that were created then, not who created them.  And while a person can blame the president, a good majority of those congressional representatives and senators were there helping with the creation of the last eight years – on both sides of the aisle.

25 comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Just my Thoughts, Politics

27 January 2010

College Communications

By Nicki

I always have AIM open when I am working at my computer.  You may ask yourself why.  That is my means of communicating with my college-aged children.  Yes, I am friends with them on Facebook but true conversation usually takes place via phone call or AIM.

My little story starts last week when good, ole #5 started classes.  For a second semester freshman, he has a fairly cushy schedule once his sport season is over – no Tues/Thurs classes at all.  He calls it, “every day is a Friday.”  I am hoping he doesn’t take that theory too far.

Last week the phone call came.  ”I hate this place.”  He is majoring in music industry.  A prerequisite for his music theory classes is a class called musicianship.  He dutifully signed up for it, figuring it was his easy A class for this semester.  First day of the class and the instructor asks a question along the lines of “who can play an instrument?”  Pretty good question since all students needed to audition when they arrived in August.  Up go some of the hands, including #5.  The results – go take this test on music theory.  You do not need this class.

In the process of taking said test, #5 mentions he plays trombone.  Granted, he does not own a trombone as this was his second instrument, started in high school because of a need in his performance groups.  #5 heads to his second day of Musicianship class to see if he passed the test – which he did – and the instructor says something along the lines of “I have a trombone for you.  Meet me at my office on Monday at 3.”

Monday rolls around and I head to the grocery store.  When I get home, there is a phone message from #5.  Evidently, #6 thought this was so important that he wrote it down on my star-shaped sticky note.  Yes, the 15 year old wrote down exactly what his older brother said, profanity and all.  I cannot escape the language shift that comes with going to college.  #5 is now playing in the Jazz Big Band.

Yesterday – yes, this little exercise in communication has spread itself over several days – #5 pops up in my AIM.  ”I think I am going to buy a trombone.”  I had looked into buying him a trombone last year, checked with his band instructor, looked on Craig’s List.  Then, he said he wasn’t going to play at college and not to bother.  I let it go.

I told him to check with his former high school music teacher.  Robin may have some ideas on people who may be selling a trombone.  He then says to me, “This should have been a blog post.  The things I have learned in college, volume 4.”

Moral:  ”When you have no intentions of playing trombone don’t tell a music professor you used to because 1) there’s a shortage at this school and 2) he will find an ensemble for you.” Directly from #5 as I copied and pasted the conversation into a word document so I would remember what he said.

We closed our day long, off and on IM session with me telling him I was glad he had found the Jazz Band or that it had found him.  His response, “it found me was the way I told Lina (his high school band director) … I tried to avoid it and it came looking.”

I am sure this not the type of blog post #5 had anticipated when he said this should be a blog post but here you go.  Part of a day in the life of a parent with college-aged children.

11 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Family, Just my Thoughts

26 January 2010

One Month Into That New Year

By Nicki

I was checking out a list of blogs I follow over the weekend and happened upon an update of The Wild Mind’s New Year’s Resolutions.  Her measuring and weighing got me to thinking.  I do not bring out the measuring tape ever!  I do weigh myself about once a month and it was time.

Back in October of 2007, shortly after starting to run, I wrote about measuring progress.  Looking back, I have come a long way since then.

I can no longer wear three of my bracelets that I always have on when I run.  They fall off.  As a matter of fact, I found one on the kitchen floor Sunday.  It had fallen off while I was doing dishes.  I have shirts that I have only owned a year that do not fit properly any longer.  These are the ways I measure day to day progress.

My miles are increasing while my times are decreasing – as a general rule.  Another way to  measure what progress I make.

Then, I did the one thing I have always hated.  I stepped on the scales.  I have always, even at my skinniest in college, had a love-hate relationship with scales.  This relationship continues to this very day.  Yet, once a month, whether I need the re-enforcement or not, I get on them.

Well, this past weekend was the month and on the scales I hopped.  When I started getting fit, the goal was not inches or pounds, it was to be fit.  I feel fit now and am probably in the best shape since I was in college.  Unfortunately, I have always, in the back of my mind, wanted to get back to what I weighed before I had my first child.  This is not an uncommon weight for a woman of my height and build.  It would not make me skinny.  It is just a number.  At one point in my past, I weighed almost 80 pounds more than that number.  Now, I am less than 25 pounds away from it.

I am not going to starve myself.  I am not going to obsess over my running.  I am going to continue to live and run and eat and lose hopefully.

Did you make resolutions?  How do you measure success in your resolutions?

11 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Fitness, Food and Recipes, Just my Thoughts

25 January 2010

Road Trip – Planning Begins

By Nicki

I am a planner.  Yes, I like to have control.  I admit I like to know where I am going, how I am getting there and what I am doing while I am there.  I don’t have to plan every details but quite a few of them would be good.

So I have a few road trips coming up this spring or late winter as the case may be.  I am going downstate in March for a half marathon.  Running is on Sunday but I am going on Saturday and staying over as it is the weekend that Daylight Savings Time starts so I want to get good sleep that Saturday night.  I am staying at The Lodge at Rock Hill so if you have any ideas in that area, let me know.  I will start looking soon.

Then, I am going to Boston in April.  I have a friend who is running the Boston Marathon and I told him I would be there to see him cross the finish line and I will.  I will have at least Sunday to do some sightseeing, possibly even Saturday and Friday – though that is not totally set in stone yet.  I had a hotel room with a great rate.  I had a friend offer me a room.  Gave up the hotel room and then found the friend was going to be out of town.  I got a room back but not quite as great a rate.  I will be staying in Cambridge Sunday and Monday nights.

By all means, tell me what you would do, where you would go.  Part of my Boston trip will be a write off as I am looking for bookstores for an author to do signings at in the summer.  I can’t wait to be on the road this year.

9 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Family, Fitness, Just my Thoughts

24 January 2010

Twenty-three Years Ago

By Nicki

Lately, I seem to be writing about anniversaries or birthdays.  Who knew so much went on at the beginning of the year?

Twenty-three years ago today, I was in labor.  It was a Saturday.  I can picture the snow on the ground, not freshly fallen but piles of it that I had shoveled from storms since Christmas.  You see, the twins turn 23 today.

The doctor had told me, regardless of a February due date, I would have those babies around Christmas.  The disability from week 26 on seemed to have worked as those two liked where they were and were not coming into the cold, harsh winter any sooner than necessary.

The day was not the quiet planned birth I had anticipated.  The day quickly filled with yelling.  The doctor was in surgery but wanted an ultrasound done.  One of the twins had been breech.  Was she still?  The nurse was screaming that taking me to radiology would guarantee I delivered babies in radiology.  Who knew I was that far along?  A portable x-ray and I was put out.  One twin still breech, the doctor was taking no chances and did an emergency c-section.

My first memory in recovery was the nurse telling me that Baby A was 7 pounds, 15 ounces and Baby B was 5 pounds, 11 ounces.  I told her, in a groggy state, those couldn’t be my babies.  I had twins.

The Twins (#2 and #3) Christmas 1987

Happy Birthday, #2 and #3!!!!!

20 comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in Family, Just my Thoughts

23 January 2010

Roe versus Wade at 37

By Nicki

Yesterday, while I was off guest blogging at Drama For Mama and Motherese, a birthday party happened.  The watershed SCOTUS ruling on Roe v. Wade turned 37 yesterday.

Do you remember, if you are older than 37, what you were doing at that age?  Had you become complacent in your life, with your thinking?  Did you take things for granted?

Do you, if you are old enough, remember what you were doing in 1973?  I have to admit I couldn’t give you details.  I had turned 11 the fall previous.  I had worked, that fall of 1972, on my first political campaign – stuffing envelopes.  I don’t remember hearing the SCOTUS ruling at all.

As I became a teenager, Roe v Wade became more prominent.  I read stories of how abortions had been performed illegally prior to the 1973 ruling.  I read of women dying from these.  I was a firm believer.  I read feminist magazines and books and knew, 100% for sure, that it was my right to do what I wanted with my body.

In my 20′s, as I became a Roman Catholic and then a mother, the pendulum swung, not the big swing like on a clock but somewhat.  I remember having a discussion with a close friend while our kids were listening to story hour.  It must have been January so an earlier anniversary of the decision.  I was explaining how I could see her point of view but it was not mine at that time.  I didn’t deny that I still felt women should have access to legal abortion services.  I just didn’t think I could partake in those services.

Now, I am sitting and Roe v Wade is 37.  The initial ruling has some chinks in its armor.  Things have eaten away at it.  Some states still make it extremely difficult to receive abortions.  Doctors have been killed over the ruling and, then, their services.  I am fearful that this decision may not, as I will in a couple years, celebrate 50.

The past presidential election is what scared me on how long Roe v Wade has left in our society.  It was not what either candidate said or did in the election.  It was not a matter of how or who they would appoint to SCOTUS if given that opportunity.  The scare came from young voters, women voters in the 18-24 age range.  The ones I know, when asked, would say that abortion will always be legal here.  That was not a concern for that.

The complacency I mentioned at the beginning of this showed in these women.  Abortion had always been available in their lives.  They could not foresee a change.   I am hoping, but it is difficult, that they are correct.  I am hoping that reproductive rights do not become a center point in US politics again, that reproductive rights do not spawn more killings than have already happened to doctors and health care providers.

If you would like more information, please view some of these links below.

RH Reality Check

Sarah Weddington on the 37th Anniversary of Roe v Wade

Reflections on a Decade of Reproductive Freedom

CNN Coverage of Yesterday

22 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Just my Thoughts, Politics, Religion

22 January 2010

Where Can You Find Me Today?

By Nicki

Well, if you are jonesing for a dose of my writing today, you will have to head to two other blogs I read frequently.

You can read all about my mapped out strategy – yes, I am a planner – for the year and my running at Kristen’s place – Motherese.

You can also find out all about the most recent drama in my life over at Becca’s new WordPress digs – Drama For Mama.

Should you stop here all the time, please consider contacting me to guest post here starting February 5.  You can get a hold of me at nconroy {at} stny {dot} rr {dot} com.

4 comments   |  tags: , , | posted in Just my Thoughts

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