Monthly Archives: December 2009

23 December 2009

When Do We Settle?

By Nicki

I was having a discussion with a friend the other day when two disturbing questions – at least disturbing to me – came up in the conversation.  When do we face reality? When do we let the dream go?

My take is that we never give up.  We always have our dreams.  Dreams are like lives.  They are living things – always changing, always evolving, always re-shaping.  We may make an adjustment or change but the dream is always there, always looking to be pursued.

Many times we may stumble on our way reaching the dream but it is there, always giving us hope that we can obtain it.  Sometimes, the dream will taunt us, allowing us to get close but not touch it.  That is just a test to see how badly we truly want the end result.  Sometimes, the dream will morph on its own, into something more obtainable for us.

Do you settle – in your professional life, in your personal life?  What are your dreams?

6 comments   |  tags: , | posted in Just my Thoughts

23 December 2009

Holiday Memories

By Nicki

I decided I was going to go looking for pictures to go with this post before I started writing but I have yet to do that.  My holidays future are taking a new twist so I want to remember all the good times from Christmases Past.

Holidays from my childhood I have no pictures of, at least none I can put my hands on easily.  I do have vivid memories, though, and hope I have created these same type of memories for my children.

I grew up differently.  When my parents split up in 1966, my sister and I moved in with our paternal grandparents.  My mother was working full time and going to night school.  My father was set to move about 70 miles away for his new job.  Both thought that moving in with with Kate and, wow!  I know my grandfather’s name but have no idea what I called him when I was young, Jim was good.

Christmas was always church on Christmas Eve – midnight services, trying to see who could get further down the street with the candle from the candlelight service without the wind blowing it out, begging to open a gift and, finally as we got older, being allowed to.

There was always a tree.  There was always an Advent calendar.  There was always an Advent wreath.  Sometimes, one or more of us would sing or be an altar server.  Sometimes, we would all sit together in a pew.

There was baking.  The house would fill with wonderful smells – cookies galore and frosting and sprinkles.  I still use some of the cookie cutters to this day.

At some point in time, we started going to my maternal grandparents’ farm on Christmas Eve.  We were always still home for midnight services.  This was a great big family time as my mother is the second oldest of eight.  There were tons of kids there and adults too.  I use to love these days and continued going well into adulthood.  This is where my fudge story took place.

The next holiday post will be about holidays in my family – the one with my kids – and will have pictures!

Leave a comment   |  tags: , | posted in Family, Just my Thoughts

21 December 2009

Waiting Again

By Nicki

I hate waiting.  I am not waiting on anything for me at the moment but to hear from a good friend how an interview went.  You would think this waiting would be easier but let me explain, by a trip down memory lane, how much I hate waiting.

As a young child, I would look with awe at the Christmas tree.  I waited for Christmas Eve to roll around as we always got to open on gift on Christmas Eve.  That was fine but by the time I was a teenager, I was an adept re-wrapper.  I would literally open gifts and re-wrap them.  Not just mine to see what I was getting but other people’s too.

Okay, so fast forward.  I seldom have a surprise under the tree.  I do most of the holiday shopping at my house.  I know, with almost 100% certainty, what is under the tree.  Of course, since I know what I was like as a teenager and since most of my kids are teenagers or older, I am holding off on wrapping until the last possible moment.  I do not want them re-wrapping while I sleep some night.

What about you?  Do you know what you are getting this holiday season?  What are you waiting for?

8 comments   |  tags: , | posted in Just my Thoughts

21 December 2009

A Day of Rest

By Nicki

I can remember when stores were not open on Sunday.  We really spent the day as a day of rest, forced or not, as we could not go shopping or other things.

Yesterday, I did not feel well.  I was not running a fever or coughing.  I did not have a sore throat.  I just felt “off.”  I went to church with the “little boys.”  My children were born boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, boy.  So, I have the big boys, the girls and the little boys.  Now, the boys are not truly little but they have held that moniker so long it sticks when I am doing things with just those two.

Yesterday was the kids’ father’s birthday.  So after church, the “baby” went to do a bike ride with the club for his father’s birthday.  The ride was short – a mile from Regina’s house to the Cyber Cafe West where there was a cocoa stop and then back.

I went to bed.  I made a mug of tea and went into my room.  I grabbed a book I had been trying to get through and read a chapter.  I turned on football, something I have watched a lot of in the past but not so much this year, and promptly fell asleep.  I slept for two or so hours.

When I woke up, I watched some more football and finished my book.  I got up to quickly do the breakfast and lunch dishes and took another nap.  I didn’t worry about dinner as the kids were going out with their dad and his girlfriend.  I slept some more.  The kids left for dinner at 7:30.  I watched a movie on television and got ready for bed.  I crawled into bed, finished watching The Family Stone and rolled over to sleep.  I didn’t wake up to the kids coming in.  I didn’t wake up to the 19 year old coming home from the Christmas party he went to.  I didn’t wake up to the 25 year old getting ready for work.  I woke to my alarm and felt so refreshed.

I am going to plan days like this for once a week – in all reality, they will happen once every two or three or four weeks – in the new year.  I am going to have a day of rest more often!

2 comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in Just my Thoughts

19 December 2009

You CAN Go Back

By Nicki

I have written a lot about going back to my hometown the past five or six months.  You see, I was brought up in my grandmother’s home.  When she died 15 years ago Thursday, I went back to my hometown for the last times.  I spent 15 years only going in and out to sporting events at the high school.  I don’t know why but I didn’t see the beauty of the small town.

This past summer was my 30th class reunion and I went home.  More surprisingly is I loved it in Owego.  It was not the love that made me want to buy a house along the river – although those old homes with hidden closets and trails from the Underground Railroad have always impressed me.  It was the love of I need to visit here more often, and I have.

Small Town USA

Visiting the Past

A Visit Home

Thoughts on a Trip Home

Hose Races

Hose Races – Part 2

Yesterday, I took another trip home.   A good friend of mine wanted to get out of the house so he checked with me and we made arrangements to head to Owego to take pictures.  We wandered around town and below are some of the shots I got.

We spent the first part of our walk on the River Walk, a new walking area along the Susquehanna River.

5 comments   |  tags: , , | posted in Just my Thoughts

17 December 2009

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

By Nicki

I had to go to the bathroom.  I was on my way home from Oneonta and picking up #5.  I had not gone to the bathroom in the dorm.  I actually trust the rest area more than the dorm.

So I ran, quickly as it is very cold out, into the bathroom at the rest area.  A woman engaged me in conversation inside the bathroom.  She was with Santa.  He came over to the car and gave his business card which is at the beginning of the post.

8 comments   |  tags: , , | posted in Just my Thoughts

16 December 2009

Sandwiched Again

By Nicki

Back in February, my half-sister and I pulled one over on our father.  He had an appointment near me with the cardiologist.  We both knew he would ignore whatever he was told so someone had to be there with him.  We both went.

I tend to be a formidable force when I make a decision and both my father and his cardiologist realized this in quick order.  I took down all the information and sent my father off to his home with my half-sister.  Things were deteriorating but it could wait until the trial he was covering was over.

Little did we know that the trial would make things worse and one night, after filling his article, down he came to the ER in Johnson City.  I went.  There is no reason, once it was known he was going to be admitted, for my step-mother and half-sister to stay.  They still, in the winter weather, had to drive back home which is about 50 miles north and tends to be treacherous in bad weather.

Anyway, the sandwiching is starting again.  My father died in March.  Now, it is my step-mother.  The problem is she seems to be having some comprehension issues.  Found in her coat pocket upon a weekend emergency room visit and admittance to the local hospital – not a place anyone should go if they are stable enough to get to Johnson City – was a script for physical therapy.  Also, after the fact, a script for Vicodin was found to have been recently filled for arthritis pain.

No one knew of either of these issues but her and she was picking and choosing which she wanted to do.

She is home now but the crap continues.  As I was told by a wise friend, just how deep do I want to get?  She is not my mother so I have limited control over what I can do.  Do I get involved?  Do I just listen to my one half-sister while she deals with her mother and her sister?

How do you deal with your own life and then the parenting of parents?

4 comments   |  tags: , | posted in Family, Just my Thoughts

15 December 2009

What Do You Want in Life?

By Nicki

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately where the entries are based around what the writer wants from life.  Most of these have to do with relationships and they have all got me thinking.  What do I want from life?

This is not a new question to me.  My life has changed and continues to do so but am I that fairy tale loving person who wants a happy ending?  Or, does my happy ending look different than the fairy tale?

My story is definitely different from the fairy tale.  There are few happy endings in it.  You can read some musings on the fairy tale at The Wild Thing’s blog. My marriage ended after 12 1/2 years and six children.  The “baby” was two at the time.  Raising six kids aged two to 12 on my own took a different kind of concentration.

Did I totally drop “my life” for my kids?  Yes and no, I had a few relationships right after the marriage ended that were good.  One or two had true potential but they did not last.  Did their ending hurt?  You know it.  Did it make me decide that relationships were not worth the pain?  Definitely not.

One of the biggest issues with the two true potential relationships I had those ten to twelve years ago was whether I was willing to let him know what I was feeling.  I love you is hard to say when your heart is mending.  I am not sure if that mending ever finishes once there is a break.  The one man knew how I felt but I knew that our relationship was not what was in his best interest at that time in his life.  I let him go, painful as it may have been.  After all, what more does love mean than keeping the other person’s best interests in sight?

The other man didn’t know how I felt.  He knew we were dating.  He knew we had fun together.  He did not know I had fallen in love with him.  Would things have turned out differently had I told him?  I so don’t know.  I don’t know if that would have pushed him away or if those three words would have drawn him closer.  We keep in touch.  He is now remarried and loves the woman who is in his life.  In the long run, I do not see how I would have fit in that life but who knows?  I did not say what I could have easily said.  I am here and he is there.

So the question remains, do you know what you want?  Do I know what I want?  The only thing I am 100% positive about is that I know I do not want marriage again.  I may want the relationship, the daily conversation, the holding at night, the looking out for each other, the love but not the institution.

Do you have what you want in life?  Do you know what that is?  Can you put it in words?

15 comments   |  tags: , , | posted in Just my Thoughts

14 December 2009

My First Race

By Nicki

My First Race Bib

Okay, I did it.  No, the race did not kill me.  I just had a very busy weekend with the race included so haven’t been around much.

I had told myself, as I have never raced before, that I would be happy with finishing this 5K in under 40 minutes.  I would be ecstatic if I finished in under 35 minutes.

My official finish time was 36:05 minutes.  I did great for me.  I am not a huge runner.  I can do a ten minute mile but not three in a row usually, especially not outside.

I had a friend, an experienced runner go with me.  He finished in 23:30 minutes.  It was nice to not be there alone.  It was nice to have someone to ride to Seneca Falls with.  I loved the race!  I will definitely do it again.

If you want to see some video of the start and the finishes, go here.  If you want a listing of all results, go here.

11 comments   |  tags: , | posted in Fitness, Just my Thoughts

12 December 2009

Musings From a Former Bar Skank – by Anonymous

By Nicki

This post is part of the Half Drunk Challenge from Momalom.com. All entries can be found in the listing at Half Drunk Challengers.  This was written by someone other than me but I am very happy and proud to be sharing it with you all.

I’m taking part in the Momalom Half-Drunk Challenge. A few glasses of wine later, here I go…

So, the blogosphere is semi obsessed with this Tiger Woods business. It’s certainly got it all: infidelity, drugs, money, the fall of an icon. In this TMZ world, our society has an insatiable & ravenous appetite for this story.

I’ve been watching. And reading. Just like everyone else. It’s been noted that he seems to have a preference for party girls (or bar skanks, as the case may be). I find this interesting because, in my former life, before I was married and before my identity became synonymous with all things mommy, I was a bona fide bar skank.

In fact, at one time, I dated someone who bore a striking resemblance to Tiger Woods. He was black and Japanese and I remember everything about him. My twenties were a blur of drinking, drugs, men & generally self-destructive behavior. I don’t remember a lot of the names of the men I hooked up with, but I remember Todd. We had hot, marathon sex and he joked about how his family would give him crap for dating a white woman such as myself. He was studying at Berkeley, edgy & super smart.

He broke up with me over the phone one night. I wasn’t devastated, but it stung. Maybe that’s why I remember him so vividly. Every time I have seen Tiger on TV over the woods, I always think of Todd because honestly, they could have been brothers.

Watching Jamie Jungers on the Today show this morning, I was fascinated. I found myself wondering how she ended up as a bar skank. What is her story? She claims she wasn’t raised to have an affair with a married man…but yet she did.

I thought back to when I was in my early to mid twenties. When bad choices, recklessness and instant sexual gratification were daily occurrences in my life. The kinds of things I did. Bad things. Things that haunt me to this day. Things that could destroy a person if they ever got out. I never cheated with a married man, but that might have been better than some of the things I have done. Frequent unprotected sex, threesomes, borderline gang rape scenarios, drug fueled one night stands, an unwanted & terminated pregnancy. More than once. It’s all something I sort of shove into the recesses of my psyche and pretend happened to someone else. In many ways, it was a different person. There are probably only 2 people who know some of my deepest, darkest secrets and the rest of the people in my life haven’t a clue.Not even my husband.

I look in the faces of my babies and am reminded of how far I have come. I feel overwhelming gratitude that I was given the gift of motherhood, even if I make a habit of complaining about how hard it is on a semi-regular basis. I feel great shame for some of the choices I’ve made in the past, but at the same time, certainly experienced a lot and in between the disturbing stuff, learned a lot about life. I came out of it slightly damaged, but all in all a pretty balanced person. I do have some regrets, there is no question about that. But I have much to be grateful for.

I wonder where these profoundly insecure women will be in 10-15 years? Will they look in the faces of their babies and regret some of their choices they have made?

12 comments   |  tags: | posted in Just my Thoughts

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