Musings From a Former Bar Skank – by Anonymous

This post is part of the Half Drunk Challenge from Momalom.com. All entries can be found in the listing at Half Drunk Challengers.  This was written by someone other than me but I am very happy and proud to be sharing it with you all.

I’m taking part in the Momalom Half-Drunk Challenge. A few glasses of wine later, here I go…

So, the blogosphere is semi obsessed with this Tiger Woods business. It’s certainly got it all: infidelity, drugs, money, the fall of an icon. In this TMZ world, our society has an insatiable & ravenous appetite for this story.

I’ve been watching. And reading. Just like everyone else. It’s been noted that he seems to have a preference for party girls (or bar skanks, as the case may be). I find this interesting because, in my former life, before I was married and before my identity became synonymous with all things mommy, I was a bona fide bar skank.

In fact, at one time, I dated someone who bore a striking resemblance to Tiger Woods. He was black and Japanese and I remember everything about him. My twenties were a blur of drinking, drugs, men & generally self-destructive behavior. I don’t remember a lot of the names of the men I hooked up with, but I remember Todd. We had hot, marathon sex and he joked about how his family would give him crap for dating a white woman such as myself. He was studying at Berkeley, edgy & super smart.

He broke up with me over the phone one night. I wasn’t devastated, but it stung. Maybe that’s why I remember him so vividly. Every time I have seen Tiger on TV over the woods, I always think of Todd because honestly, they could have been brothers.

Watching Jamie Jungers on the Today show this morning, I was fascinated. I found myself wondering how she ended up as a bar skank. What is her story? She claims she wasn’t raised to have an affair with a married man…but yet she did.

I thought back to when I was in my early to mid twenties. When bad choices, recklessness and instant sexual gratification were daily occurrences in my life. The kinds of things I did. Bad things. Things that haunt me to this day. Things that could destroy a person if they ever got out. I never cheated with a married man, but that might have been better than some of the things I have done. Frequent unprotected sex, threesomes, borderline gang rape scenarios, drug fueled one night stands, an unwanted & terminated pregnancy. More than once. It’s all something I sort of shove into the recesses of my psyche and pretend happened to someone else. In many ways, it was a different person. There are probably only 2 people who know some of my deepest, darkest secrets and the rest of the people in my life haven’t a clue.Not even my husband.

I look in the faces of my babies and am reminded of how far I have come. I feel overwhelming gratitude that I was given the gift of motherhood, even if I make a habit of complaining about how hard it is on a semi-regular basis. I feel great shame for some of the choices I’ve made in the past, but at the same time, certainly experienced a lot and in between the disturbing stuff, learned a lot about life. I came out of it slightly damaged, but all in all a pretty balanced person. I do have some regrets, there is no question about that. But I have much to be grateful for.

I wonder where these profoundly insecure women will be in 10-15 years? Will they look in the faces of their babies and regret some of their choices they have made?

12 thoughts on “Musings From a Former Bar Skank – by Anonymous

  1. I imagine they will look back and regret some of their choices. I have done things I wish I hadn’t but do I regret, nah. They were all learning experiences and I think that since I personally have experiences it all, it puts me in a unique positoin to sympathize and empathize with them any women of the world who also currently and priorly experienced such behaviors and activities. Like you, I was a skank but not old enough to be in the bars yet. I started wayyy to young. Dont regret if you learned something from all of it. If you like who you are today, appreciate that you had the opportunity to experience it and now, perhaps not be judgemental to others who have or currently are, partaking in like behavior. We truly are the sum of our experiences and my past experiences contributed to who I am today. I’m glad I experienced it and am thankful that I came out pretty much unscathed. :-)

  2. Fascinating story. Bravely and clearly laid on the page.

    I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if we lived in a world that judged less, that valued the lessons in the journey that often involves choices we wouldn’t make under different circumstances.

    Imagine being able to tell this story without the shame – that’s a different thing than regret. We all have regrets, I believe. We shouldn’t have to bear shame as part of our most profound lessons.

  3. BLW is totally right. I have had these periods in my life where I was definitely learning a lesson that I regret having to learn.

    Whoever wrote this is very brave indeed.

  4. Nicki, thank you for hosting this post!

    To the writer….

    Thank you for writing this.

    I think that for every woman like you and I who grow up and pray that our daughters don’t make quite so many of the same mistakes we did, there is another one who never quite grows out of the skank stage, becomes a barfly, then a cougar, and then the senior citizen center hussy.

    And that’s ok – good for them – but when they start messing with married men I quickly go from respecting their sexual expression to deriding them for their part in wrecking a home.

    • Natalie, I continue finding myself replying to your comments :-) You get me thinking about things. You’re a good writer and responder and I like all the ones I’ve read. Senior citizen center hussy! I love that comment!

      The only thing I think about homewreckers is that it takes 2 to tango and no homewrecker can wreck a home without a participating husband. In a way, I would think that perhaps it’s a good thing that he got caught since he’s clearly the cheating kind. If he hadn’t of cheated with those hussies, he’d have cheated with some other one. Strong and loyal is the man who won’t cheat and if they aren’t, they should refrain from marrying if they can’t keep their commitment and their johnson in their pocket. :-)

  5. Sadly, most of my regrets (and, yes, shame) occurred after I had the children. The children, however, were never regretted nor am I ashamed of them and none of them are the result, cause or source of any said shame or regret, just to clarify. In fact, were it not for them, I may have caved under the heavy load of shame and regret I carried for so many years.

    I’ve since left the shame baggage at the ticket counter with no claim ticket. The regret bag is growing smaller as I continue to reflect and learn and grow from my mistakes and poor choices.

    If nothing else, in some areas, I provide a crystal clear example of what NOT to do with a life. That’s not always a bad thing, at least, I hope not! :D

    • Few and far between are any reasons for shame. We’re all human, we all fall short of perfection because everyone’s definition of perfection is different. We’re perfect in the eyes of some and imperfect in the eyes of many. As long one of the sets of eyes who feels your perfect is YOUR OWN, you’re OK!

      Live according to your own rules and not anyone elses. They aren’t living your life, you are and you’re the one who matters and whose opinion of yourself matters most :-)

      I do care what others’ think but I don’t make any decisions based on it. :-) Good for you for leaving the baggage with no claim ticket. You shouldn’t claim that! No reason to…… :-)

    • I read your number 2 in the e-mail questionaire. :-) You dont need a man to go on a honeymoon. I got married by myself at the beach. Full wedding gown and the works. I loved it, it was liberating and I did it all by myself! I had my most important moment, felt beautiful and all that, all by myself. It was a hoot!

      Screw it, of you want to go snorkling in the South Pacific, you dont need a man to take you. You just need a desire to go! :-)

    • I have made some of my mistakes since having children – not the children but some of the ways I behaved when my marriage fell apart. I don’t feel shame for those but am glad I learned from them.

  6. The important thing is that you have learned. You have moved on. You have achieved what I hope is a peace with your life now. The truth is hard. Bottom line. But facing it is one way to let it go. Or embrace it. Whatever makes most sense to you.
    Thank you for this entry to our challenge!

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